WCW Uncensored
March 19th, 2000
American Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Well, the poster shows us Steiner, Bret Hart, Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett. Just a heads up, Jarrett is the only one tonight with a match. I'm watching this on my TV instead of my laptop tonight courtesy of the WWE Network (which you can get for 10x less than you paid for that shitty super boxing "fight"), so no gif images unless I can find some online, which I'm sure there will be a few I can find. Also, we get eleven matches tonight, so we get to see ALL that WCW has to offer...sigh.
We open with backstage segments with Sid talking to Hogan and Jarrett talking to what I guess are his body guards. Both guys say they're gonna win. It's WCW, so that's not actually impossible.
WCW Cruiserweight Championship
The Artist(c) w/ Paisley vs Psychosis w/ Juventud Guerrera
I really dislike this Artist gimmick. I didn't like it then, I don't like it now. I also don't like how WCW unmasked everybody. Luchadors are not luchadors without their masks, at least not in 2000. It's just not the same feel. Maskless Psychosis reminds me of Gerardo, you know, the guy who sang "Rico Suave.
Before the bell rings, some random music starts playing and Chris Candido comes down to the ring, because why not? We start with chops from Psychosis to Artist. I'm just going to call Artist his old name, Prince, because fuck WCW. Psychosis sends Prince over the top rope as Candido gets on commentary. Plancha by Psychosis takes out Prince who immediately gets up and into the ring. Prince gets Psychosis in a tree of woe and hits a running knee to the gut. Prince hits a crappy superkick for a near fall and tosses Psychosis outside. Paisley slaps Psychosis right in front of the referee, but no DQ is called. Inside, more corner strikes by Prince. A few near falls take place, but nothing really interesting happens. Psychosis hits a big hurricanrana off the top rope for a near fall. Prince wins with a Diving DDT after distraction from Paisley, who beat up Juventud. Yep.
Winner and still WCW Cruiserweight Champion: The Artist via pinfall @ 7:22
This was a bad opener. WCW 2000 usually had one thing going for their shows, that being the openers were solid. This one wasn't bad, but there was just nothing to it. It was boring, Prince is boring and Psychosis deserved better. 1/2*
We get a promo with Bam Bam Bigelow cutting a promo on The Wall. He fucks up a few times. He says he taught Wall everything he knows about wrestling. So...nothing?
Tag Team Match
Norman Smiley & The Demon vs Lenny Lane & Rave
This might be the weirdest tag team combination I've ever heard of. Smiley and the Kiss Demon. I just don't have words. Miss Hancock is on commentary. I'll take four minutes of staring at her instead of this match. I will say though, Kiss Demon's entrance was cool for the time. And now Norman Smiley is dressed up like the Demon.
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| I wish I were joking. |
Winners: Norman Smiley & The Demon via submission @ 3:41
There is nothing redeeming about this match at all. It's just awful. Three minutes felt like thirty. DUD
After the match, Miss Hancock does the Big Wiggle to Smiley. Yep.
Backstage, Kidman is hyping up Booker backstage. Also, David Flair is saying shit to Daffney, but the audio sucks and I can't hear anything. It's David Flair, so it probably wasn't worth hearing anyway.
The Wall vs Bam Bam Bigelow
Before the match, we get a recap of The Wall attacking David Flair and Crowbar. Meh.
The Wall is one of the worst wrestlers I've ever seen, and I don't think even Bam Bam can work a good power vs power match with him. We start with Bam Bam going right to work and they start exchanging strikes. Wall takes control with a clothesline and hits a few more because that seems like all he can do. Bam Bam goes up top and hits a headbutt for two. Wall hits (misses badly) a big boot to take control and hits a knee for two. They go outside where Wall chokeslams Bam Bam through a table to get disqualified.
Winner via Disqualification: Bam Bam Bigelow @ 3:26
I can't give this a dud, because it was better than the last match, but there's nothing to watch here. Props to Bam Bam for putting over such an awful wrestler. 1/4*
After the match, David Flair and Crowbar attack Wall, but get taken out. Scratch that, Crowbar gets chokeslammed off the titantron structure. That segment was better than the entire match.
We go from that into an interview with Brian Knobs. He dedicates his hardcore title match to Crowbar and Bam Bam. It's a three on one handicap match. Brian Knobs. It's 2000. Brian fucking Knobs.
WCW Hardcore Championship
Three on One Elimination Handicap Match
Brian Knobs vs 3 Count (Shannon Moore, Shane Helms & Evan Karagias)(c)
WHY THE HELL IS BRIAN KNOBS STILL ACTIVE IN 2000?!?
3 Count are collectively the hardcore champions. That wouldn't be too bad if they weren't against Brian fucking Knobs here. Knobs brings out a dumpster full of crap and 3 Count starts dominating early as they should. This is elimination style, so there is absolutely zero reason for Knobs to win this. Knobs of course gains control by beating everybody with a trash can. Helms hits him with a chair and they propped up a ladder and Helms, Karagias hit splashes off the ladder, but Moore missed a senton from it. They start dancing as Knobs gets em all with a fire extinguisher and goes to town on Shane Helms. Helms is eliminated at 3:00 after a chair shot. Yep. I think we know where this is going now. Knobs takes out a table and powerbombs Karagias through it from inside the ring, that was actually pretty cool. Karagias is eliminated at 4:15. We're down to Moore and Knobs. Knobs takes out another table. Moore gets a pin, but Knobbs' foot was on the rope. IT'S A HARDCORE MATCH, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE. Only WCW. Knobs win after a trash can shot.
Winner and new WCW Hardcore Champion: Brian Knobs via pinfall @ 6:51
This was a seven minute handicap squash match. There is no reason a 2000 Brian Knobs should be destroying three young talents. That said, the powerbomb spot is the only reason this isn't getting a dud. 1/4*
We get a promo with the new Harlem Heat. Ahmed ruins it. Meh. Also get a backstage promo with Vampiro acting crazy and talking in circles. Works well for his character.
Tag Team Match
Harlem Heat 2000 (Big T & Stevie Ray) w/Torrie Wilson vs Billy Kidman and Booker T w/Cash & J Biggs
I can't say I'm a fan of anybody in this match at this point. Kidman was okay, but I was never a fan of Booker or Stevie Ray and Ahmed Johnson is among the worst wrestlers ever. Stevie and Booker start, which is interesting, you'd think you'd build to their interaction instead of starting with it. Book takes advantage as Kidman tags in and hits a dropkick that Stevie sells hilariously bad. Ahmed tags in and he got fat, damn. Kidman hits a dropkick that Ahmed sells even worse than Stevie. Book tags in and goes against Ahmed now. Cash tries to interfere, but Booker hits the Axe kick. Kidman tags in and goes up top but Stevie knocks him off and for some reason he's the legal man now despite no tag being made, which makes even less sense when he immediately tags in Ahmed. WCW match structure at its finest. Ahmed literally does nothing before tagging Stevie back in. They did one move over four tags. Ahmed does a spot where he tries to crossbody Kidman over the barricade, but he doesn't make it and just falls flat on his face and that is hilarious.
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| I believe I can fl...ouch. |
Winners: Billy Kidman & Booker T via pinfall @ 6:59
This match felt a LOT longer than seven minutes and not in a good way. This was all over the place with a ton of botched spots, bad flow and formatting; just nothing worth watching here. *
We get a promo for Finlay vs Vampiro, and Finlay has the EXACT SAME LOOK as Brian Knobs. I legitimately thought it was Knobs working double duty. That's fucking awful.
Falls Count Anywhere
Fit Finlay vs Vampiro
I have high-ish hopes for this. It's still WCW, but it's two guys that can have entertaining brawls. Finlay has control early as he dominates Vampiro with strikes. Vampiro gets it back and hits a big spinning heel kick off the top rope for a near fall. Vampiro is a weird guy in that he was never very good, but I still I think he deserved more than he got. There was an interesting character to him that could have been bigger. Vampiro keeps control until Finlay starts slamming his head into shit. Finlay hits a steamroller and grabs a very padded chair outside the ring. He lays the chair padding first on Vampiro's face but the ref takes it away, so Finlay grabs it back and Vampiro kicks it back in his face. Outside, they do some basic brawling near the announce table before heading towards the ramp. They fight into the crowd and work their way up the stairs. They actually bump on the stairs once, so props to Finlay for that before they go backstage. The fight starts going towards the women's bathroom, but then they switch and go into the men's room. I laughed at that. They fight into a bathroom stall and Finlay bumped on the gross bathroom floor. Vampiro climbed a stall and went for a dive but Finlay was very clearly holding a trashcan so that was a bad idea. They're fighting in the crowd now as the lighting is now gone and you can't see shit. WCW did not plan out the direction of this fight well. They fight outside and immediately go back inside. Vampiro takes a back body drop on the floor, but recovers to hit the Nail in the Coffin for the three.
Winner: Vampiro via pinfall @ 8:38
This was about six minutes of walking to set up the finish and two minutes of wrestling. There really was just nothing to this. It lived up to the gimmick, but was not nearly the match they hyped it to be. This really just bored me more than anything. *
We get a promo with the Mamalukes about the Harris Brothers. There is not one person in this upcoming match that I like to watch. I'm tempted to make a pizza instead of watch it.
WCW World Tag Team Championship
The Harris Brothers (Ron & Don) vs The Mamalukes (Johnny Stamboli & Big Vito) w/Disco Inferno
As I said, I made a pizza, I caught the ending where Ron Harris hits Stamboli with an H Bomb for the win.
Winners and new WCW Tag Team Champions: The Harris Brothers via pinfall @ 8:45
Nothing to rate for me. Pizza gets **** however.
Bullrope Match
Terry Funk vs Dustin Rhodes
I love Funk, but Rhodes was only ever worth watching as Goldust. I have zero interest in this match. This is literally the same thing as the main event, except this one has pinfalls. Strap matches suck enough as is, we don't need two on the same show.
We literally start with Dustin chasing somebody in a chicken suit around the ring before Funk attacks him outside the ring. They're supposed to be tied together, not sure how the match can start before that happens, but here we are. I thought Funk was gonna tie himself with the rope, like the match is stipulated to be, but apparently this is just a hardcore match as he whips Rhodes with it. Funk hits a few moves and a DDT to get a near fall. Funk hits him with the cowbell for a two count.
Rhodes wraps the rope around Funk's neck and whips him which lays him out. Outside now, Rhodes does the same exact spot. Inside, they are FINALLY tied up, it only took about five minutes. Rhodes is in complete control and hits a back drop for a two count. Rhodes hits a bulldog on the cowbell for a two count. Rhodes is then attacked by the guy in the chicken suit before hitting him with the cowbell. I'm not joking, this is actually happening. Rhodes does not take off the chicken's mask. Wouldn't you want to know who the fuck is attacking you?! WCW logic. Funk takes control off the distraction and grabs a mic. He says he's making the match an I Quit match. The ref says no and so Funk hits him with the cowbell. The next minute is just Funk hitting Rhodes with the bell until Rhodes says I Quit. Rhodes says he quits but there's no bell called. This would be a submission then, referee, Rhodes gave up. But, you know, WCW. Rhodes takes advantage, beats up Funk with the bell and hits a piledriver onto it for the win.
Winner: Dustin Rhodes via pinfall @ 9:01
I love Funk, but this was hard to watch. It was just a bunch of moves onto a cowbell, no rhyme or reason for any of it. This was the second longest match of the night and was just terrible. The chicken interference was the worst thing I've ever seen because it just made no sense at all. 1/4*
We get a promo with Sid, and he's funny as always.
Lumberjacks with Casts Match
The Total Package (Lex Luger) vs Sting
Luger sucks, and this match probably will too. Every single lumberjack has a cast on. Every single one. Even the guys who don't have a broken arm have casts on.
We start with Luger taking it to Sting right off the bat, but Sting fights back. I don't think we've seen a tie up tonight, so that's a fun fact. Sting takes advantage back and just stomps away on Luger for a good 15 seconds. Sting hits a few strikes and a scoop slam for a two count. Sting throws Luger to the outside where his lumberjacks are and they beat on Luger before tossing him back in the ring. Luger fake begs Sting to stop, but when Sting gets close Luger throws him to his lumberjacks outside the ring who do the same thing. Tank Freaking Abbott is out to ringside now as he sucker punches Doug Dillinger and leaves. Thanks for coming, Tank. Meanwhile Luger hits a clothesline on Sting as the lumberjacks are all fighting outside the ring by the entrance way. They all fight to the back as the ringside area is clear now. Way to go, WCW, completely abandon a stipulation. Oh, wait, Vampiro is outside the ring.
Flair and Elizabeth come down to the ring and try to get involved, but Vampiro stops Flair as Sting hits a bulldog on Luger in the ring. Flair gets in the ring and starts chopping Sting right in front of the ref. Pretty sure that's a DQ. Stinger Splash to Flair takes him out of the ring as Luger takes control before Sting hits a Stinger Splash on him. Elizabeth hits Sting with the bat, but Jimmy Hart takes Elizabeth to the back. In the ring, both men are down, but Luger crawls to cover for a two count. Torture Rack attempt is thwarted by Vampiro who hits Luger with the bat. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop for the win.
Winner: Sting via pinfall @ 7:01
This was even worse than I thought it would be. This was not about Sting and Luger, it was about the lumberjacks and Vampiro. This was all over the place and I had no reason to care about this. DUD
Tank Abbott is interviewed about punching Doug Dillinger. He said he punched him because he can. Okay. Apparently Sid and Jarrett was supposed to be last, but WCW switched it mid show, because Hogan has to main event everything.
WCW World Heavyweight Championship
Sid Vicious (c) vs Jeff Jarrett
Another match I'm expecting to be awful. Another match without a lock up. Sid starts tearing Jarrett apart until he goes for a chokeslam and Jarrett rakes the eyes before being sent outside by Sid. Sid slams Jarrett onto the table and then hits a double axe handle off of it before tossing Jarrett into the crowd. They keep fighting through the crowd. The Harris Brothers start attacking Sid and again there is no disqualification called. Jarrett joins them inside and decides to taunt instead of keeping the pressure on, because that's smart booking for a match. Jarrett gets a sleeper on Sid, but Sid escapes. Jarrett goes for a double axe handle but gets low blowed and Sid hits a big boot. Harris Brother 1 interferes and Jarrett takes an accidental shot from the title belt from the other Harris for two. Chokeslam by Sid is reversed via low blow by Jarrett. Jarrett caught the ref with an accidental backhand and then slams his head into the turnbuckle. Guitar shot to Sid Vicious and Jarrett calls another ref to the ring, but hey, here's Hulk Hogan following him to pull him out and punch him in the face. Hogan takes out Jarrett and hits a leg drop, Sid covers and wins.
Winner and still WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Sid Vicious via pinfall@ 7:36
Yep. Awful. Jarrett at no point looked strong in this match and this was basically a giant squash until the finish, which was just horrendous. DUD
Scott Steiner attacks Hogan after the match and Sid takes everybody out with chokeslams. Ric Flair comes out immediately with the strap and we're underway for our main event. Jimmy Hart is out to ringside
Yappapi Indian Strap Match
Hulk Hogan vs Ric Flair
We started with Flair attacking Hogan after he was beaten by Steiner, but Hogan took back control as they brawl on the outside. Standards shots against and into the barricade stuff here. Inside, Hogan chokes Flair and starts whipping him with the strap over and over. Flair's got the advantage now and starts choking Hogan with it. They trade whips with the strap and chops until Hogan hits a clothesline and chokes Flair with it again. About four minutes have passed since that sentence and nothing interesting has happened. Flair tries to leave, but Hogan chases him down to the entrance ramp and Lex Luger comes out and hits Hogan with a chair and leaves. Thanks, Lex. Flair uses that to take advantage and drag Hogan back to the ring. Flair takes the strap off and tries to touch the corners until he realizes he can't do that. This match is way too long for so little to be happening. Flair has something on his hands, like brass knucks but with crazy padding on them. Hogan Hulks up and hits Flair with a leg drop and pins Flair to win...Wait what?
Winner: Hulk Hogan via pinfall @ 14:28
This was so boring. There was just nothing interesting to this and the match ended in a pinfall for some unknown reason. One of the worst main events I've ever seen, but sadly, not even the worst of this year for WCW. DUD
Overall: DUD. This show really is horrendous. Only one match hit the one star mark and nothing else even came close. This is my worst rated show so far, but sadly, it wasn't the biggest chore overall to watch (that goes to ISW or Bash at the Beach 2000). Do not watch this show. Ever. For any reason.
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