Oh, and that's no typo. XWW themselves have been marketing this as Ultraviolet. I'm not sure if they're idiots, or if we will see a lot of purple on this show. Part of me is hoping for a combination revolving around Barney the Dinosaur.
Xtreme World Wrestling: Ultraviolent Cup 2016
November 26th, 2016
VFW POST #10040, Sun Valley, California
Attendance: 18
Singles Match
Biagio Crescenzo vs Ruben Iglesias
Well, nothing quite screams "ultraviolence" like a good old normal, all holds barred, singles match. This match starts with a lock up that rolls out of the ring and into the backstage area, while still in the hold, only for them to come out of the back with one of the two in a headlock. I'd like to tell you who is who, but there's no commentary on the cut I'm watching, and the introductions were fucking terrible. Turns out Ruben has his name on his Bret Hart knockoff tights, so I guess that would be him. Biagio yells at the crowd for being quiet before anything even happens, becomes fuck all 18 people who are hoping for blood and seeing shitty chain wrestling! Ruben hits a low blow right in front of the referee, who ignores it. Ruben then blocks a shitty roaring elbow attempt and tries to lock in a sharpshooter, but Biagio unfortunately escapes. Biagio says he's done while on the apron, but the match continues despite him verbally giving up. Shit leg lariat gets a two, so he stomps the hell out of him and chokes him. I'm not sure who the heel is here, as they're both playing shitty heels.
Biagio eggs on the fans again, but they don't give a fuck except for one guy chanting for Ruben, but I'm not convinced he's not chanting for a Reuben. Really shitty duck duck spinning elbow spot gets Biagio a two count. Ruben chops the man with the shiny tights and eats a spear for his trouble for two. Biagio is supposed to be a heel but keeps asking Ruben if he's all right out of character. He stomps on Ruben's face because fuck noses, nobody needs to smell this shit. We get a rest hold in a match that's so slow paced, it was completely unnecessary! Biagio hits the greatest big boot I've ever
Biagio stalks Ruben and goes for a brogue kick but FUCKING SHIT RUBEN HITS A STUNNER INSTEAD. BAH GAWD HE KILLED HIM!!!
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Corner clotheslines and forearms basically kill Biagio and then Ruben locks in a sharpshooter that rivals Bret fucking Hart's, but Biagio escapes because he's a fucking robot. The crowd is chanting this is awesome because they're watching PWG BOLA on their tablets, and Jushin Liger took a thumb in the ass. This is the slowest 10 minutes in history. Biagio has something wrapped around his hand and hits Ruben with it for the win.
Winner: Biagio Crescenzo @ 9:19
That was shit. No two ways about it. That was shit. -*
Ultraviolent Cup Round One
Exorcism Death Match
Super Gavacho vs Twisto
Okay, time for some ULTRAVIOLET ACTION. Twisto has what may be the worst look I have ever seen. WHAT THE FUCK IS AN EXORCISM DEATHMATCH.
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| 5 seconds in...legit. |
They walk on the side of the ring with no cameraman, and the owner starts a holy shit chant that again 100% does not work. Gavacho wants a countout, but he says you're a fucking twat and this is a deathmatch. The only thing dying here is the crowd that was already dead. Gavacho drapes the cardboard over Twisto and goes up top only to botch it tremendously and crotch himself. Twisto hits a Michinoku Driver that was right next to the board that would've given him the win, but he's dumb as fuck. Twisto brings a new board into the ring for some reason but gets repeatedly hit in the dick because man's biggest weakness are his testicles. Gavacho sets up a few tubes on the bottom rope and tries to suplex Twisto into them, but they fuck everything up and the light tubes break...on the floor when they knocked them off with their botched spot.
Twisto hits a brainbuster and my fucking mind is blown. He drapes a cardboard or two over Gavacho and goes up top for a frogg splash, but Gavacho moves and thus, wins.
Winner: Super Gavacho @ 8:09
This was somehow worse than the opener, that's two negatives in two matches.
-*1/2
-*1/2
Ultraviolent Cup Round One
Homerun Derby Match
Oso Loco vs V-Pacalypse
Oso Loco comes out to the old "Burn it to the Ground" Raw theme song. Oh, and he's called "The Animal Technician" what the fuck kind of a name is that?
Oso is mouthing off the crowd and has the highest pitched voice of any heel in history. We start with the two circling the ring before sword fighting with thumbtack bats and going into a brawl. Actually a decent start to a match finally as we get an okay clothesline. Then they slow it down because both men are fat and blown the fuck up by now. Loco kicks V in the back and then clubs away and we are back to the shit levels we were at before. Powerhouse Loco hits a suplex for some reason and now we get strikes but where the fuck are the bats in this deathmatch? V hits a belly to belly that Loco 100% cannot flip bump on, but is impressive from V regardless. The crowd wants to see Loco topless, and V hits a northern lights that actually has a decent bridge to it. FINALLY HE GETS THE GOT DAMN BAT. I have no idea what he has taped to it. I can only assume it's duct tape with duct tape wrapped around it.
He grabs Loco's bat which has, I think, either Thumbtacks or that button candy you couldn't eat without eating the paper as a kid. Probably the latter. Loco rolls outside looking for a cannoli but V-Pacalypse just ate and grabs a chain to double axe handle with. Loco whips V into a wall and BREAKS THE FUCKING WALL. The owner laughs and says that his deposit is gone and that they're not getting paid now. Legit. Loco hits a belly to back suplex and goes up to the 2nd rope for what was supposed to be a moonsault, but gravity said fuck that.
V hits a German suplex and then a wiffle ball bat to the head ends it.
Winner: V-Pacalypse
MOTN so far, but only because they broke a wall and V-Pacalypse, in comparison to everyone else so far, wasn't all that bad, but as such, it's still shit. DUD
Ultraviolent Cup Semi Finals
Barbed Wire Bat Match
Chuey Martinez vs Super Gavacho
Who the fuck is Chuey Martinez, and why was his qualifying match not on this show? You know what, I don't even care anymore. Gavacho comes out to Kid Rock's Bawitdaba because nothing on this fucking show makes sense.
There is one barbed wire bat. Just one. This is gonna be fun. We are a full minute in and not one thing has happened. Not one. They lock up at the 1 minute and 15 second mark, and it ends almost immediately and then back to fucking nothing. Really awful chain wrestling happens and ends with a backdrop to the luchador superhero, and he somehow needs a rope
They both have bats and Gavacho tries to attack the knee but fails because he's a shitty superhero. Bootscrape is botched, and then Gavacho gets his arm caught on the barbed wire bat before taking a weak fucking shot to the chest with it. Then to the face. This barbed wire, despite being scraped across his arms, face and chest, have caused no blood, nor have gotten caught on any clothes. Shitty springboard double axe handle followed by a shitter leg drop get a two count. Shitty crossbody gets a two count for Gavacho. Ultraviolent Sleeper by Gavacho as he uses absolutely no weapons to make it even deadlier. Chuey motherfucking Martinez escapes and they do a really bad bump and feed. Body slam onto the barbed wire bat, but somehow Gavacho misses all of it. Fortunately, that gets the three.
Winner: Chuey Martinez @ 7:32
I really don't know how this show is getting worse. I just...I don't understand. -**
Ultraviolent Cup Semi Finals
Barefoot Thumbtack Match
Mr California vs V-Pacalypse
Mr. California is the booker, because of course he is. V is refusing to take off his shoes, and Cali is okay with that. So we have a barefoot deathmatch where only one of them are barefoot. Nice. Cali dedicates the match to JC Bailey who is probably insulted by it.
There are thumbtacks in the middle of the
ring, that's it. We start with a lock up because deathmatch rules dictate it. V is horribly overselling a wrist lock and Cali stomps the tacks for the first actually violent spot of the night. Whip into the corner and a bulldog onto the tacks for our second actually violent spot of the night in our third deathmatch. Cali goes to do a hilariously awful double stomp and lands right on the tacks in a spot that is so hilariously terrible. They trade forearms 2 minutes in and then Cali suplexes V onto the tacks for a holy shit chant, but I am noticing that none of the tacks are actually going into either guy.
CALI PULLS OUT THE LEGOS, YOU CAN'T FAKE LEGO BUMPS. THIS IS WORSE THAN TACKS. V goes for a German onto the lego tacks, but he's far too close to do it. They botched a spinebuster in hilarious fashion and this
is at least entertaining kind of. Northern lights by V onto the lego tacks with a nice bridge, and I'm thoroughly impressed with V's bridging ability for a big fella. Worst Irish whip-lariat spot ever onto some legos. Mr California looks like a knockoff Eddie Kingston, and that says a lot. Cali starts sawing into V's arm and finally draws blood. Not a lot, but like a paper cut. Kryptonite Krunch to V onto the legos gets the win.
Winner: Mr. California @ 5:40
This was easily the best thing so far, and it got the least amount of time. I don't get it. DUD
Ultraviolent Cup 2016 Finals
Barbed Wire Ropes Match
Chuey Martinez vs Mr. California
Cagematch.net tells me there was another match before this, but apparently it didn't make the cut. Thank fucking god. Here is our main event, and there is no barbed wire on the ropes. They start with light tubes and Chuey strikes first and then stabs Cali with the shards. We may FINALLY get some blood! Then he grabs two, breaks em, and commences stabbing again before he takes a tube to his own back and face. Cali just keeps breaking Chuey with tubes and then stabbing him again. This is New Jack vs New Jack if New Jack were less New Jack and more Mary Poppins.
Chuey grabs a barbed wire bat and stabs Cali with it, but it's the same fake barbed wire as before. And despite being stabbed in the face multiple times, neither man is bleeding. How is that possible? Because this is XWW and they promised us ULTRA FUCKING VIOLET. There's also very obvious stunt glass in the corner, which I'm surprised he can afford. They keep trading shots with random shit until Cali is whipped into the corner through some tubes, then Chuey faces the same fate. Chuey is busted open as we finally get some blood shed, but it looks more like the blood from a picked scab, so who fucking cares at this point. Senseless light tube trading continues and Chuey asks for a guy to check on his forehead, are you kidding me? Chuey waits way too long to goat Cali into it and now they're on the side of the ring with no camera, so I don't know what the fuck is happening, but light tubes are breaking. 
Back in the ring now and we get more tube shots and a death valley driver through the fake pane of glass for a near fall. Fucking Christ, this won't end. Skewers to the head to take a page from MASADA's playbook, but done much much worse. I'm also fairly certain Chuey Martinez is not of Mexican descent. Chuey pulls out a syringe and stabs Cali in the mouth. I told you it was New Jack. Then he grabs another and another and another and stabs him now in the throat. At least now there's actual blood. There's another pane of glass and this time Cali takes the death valley driver through it for the three count.
Winner: Chuey Martinez @ 8:52
Somehow, this was the worst match of the night. Despite having the actual deathmatch elements to it, it was just senseless violence. This is everything deathmatch fans hate about deathmatches. Nothing made sense, the doctor stoppage three minutes in was god awful and it wasn't even the advertised stipulation. Just garbage. -***
Overall: -2/10: Worst of the Worst. That's right, this show as a whole gets negative stars. I had heard this was the worst wrestling show ever, and I can't disagree. Even Heroes of Wrestling in 1999 had Fantastico vs Scorpio that was at least watchable. Nothing on this show is worth watching, and in fact, I would avoid this show at all costs. It's only an hour long, but my God is it the longest hour of wrestling you'll ever watch. I've seen Backyard shows that are better than this.
