XWW 4th Annual Ultraviolet Cup Review

Hello there, wrestling fans. If you enjoy reading about me reviewing good wrestling, please click away. If you enjoy reading about garbage, welcome! This is a show I have heard nothing but bad things about, and am truly excited to see. Xtreme World Wrestling is a promotion based in southern California, and they specialize in awful wrestling in front of crowds that are smaller than that of your local backyard promotions. This show has eight matches and clocks in at a whopping one hour and two minutes. Boy oh boy will we have some barn burners. Let's get to it.

Oh, and that's no typo. XWW themselves have been marketing this as Ultraviolet. I'm not sure if they're idiots, or if we will see a lot of purple on this show. Part of me is hoping for a combination revolving around Barney the Dinosaur.

Xtreme World Wrestling: Ultraviolent Cup 2016

November 26th, 2016

VFW POST #10040, Sun Valley, California

Attendance: 18 

Singles Match

Biagio Crescenzo vs Ruben Iglesias

Well, nothing quite screams "ultraviolence" like a good old normal, all holds barred, singles match. This match starts with a lock up that rolls out of the ring and into the backstage area, while still in the hold, only for them to come out of the back with one of the two in a headlock. I'd like to tell you who is who, but there's no commentary on the cut I'm watching, and the introductions were fucking terrible. Turns out Ruben has his name on his Bret Hart knockoff tights, so I guess that would be him. Biagio yells at the crowd for being quiet before anything even happens, becomes fuck all 18 people who are hoping for blood and seeing shitty chain wrestling! Ruben hits a low blow right in front of the referee, who ignores it. Ruben then blocks a shitty roaring elbow attempt and tries to lock in a sharpshooter, but Biagio unfortunately escapes. Biagio says he's done while on the apron, but the match continues despite him verbally giving up. Shit leg lariat gets a two, so he stomps the hell out of him and chokes him. I'm not sure who the heel is here, as they're both playing shitty heels.

Biagio eggs on the fans again, but they don't give a fuck except for one guy chanting for Ruben, but I'm not convinced he's not chanting for a Reuben. Really shitty duck duck spinning elbow spot gets Biagio a two count. Ruben chops the man with the shiny tights and eats a spear for his trouble for two. Biagio is supposed to be a heel but keeps asking Ruben if he's all right out of character. He stomps on Ruben's face because fuck noses, nobody needs to smell this shit. We get a rest hold in a match that's so slow paced, it was completely unnecessary! Biagio hits the greatest big boot I've ever

seen for a two count and holy fuck how does Ruben keep kicking out?!

Biagio stalks Ruben and goes for a brogue kick but FUCKING SHIT RUBEN HITS A STUNNER INSTEAD. BAH GAWD HE KILLED HIM!!!

Corner clotheslines and forearms basically kill Biagio and then Ruben locks in a sharpshooter that rivals Bret fucking Hart's, but Biagio escapes because he's a fucking robot. The crowd is chanting this is awesome because they're watching PWG BOLA on their tablets, and Jushin Liger took a thumb in the ass. This is the slowest 10 minutes in history. Biagio has something wrapped around his hand and hits Ruben with it for the win.

Winner: Biagio Crescenzo @ 9:19

That was shit. No two ways about it. That was shit. -*

Ultraviolent Cup Round One 

Exorcism Death Match

Super Gavacho vs Twisto

Okay, time for some ULTRAVIOLET ACTION. Twisto has what may be the worst look I have ever seen. WHAT THE FUCK IS AN EXORCISM DEATHMATCH.

5 seconds in...legit.

We literally start with Twisto hitting a shitty powerbomb on Gavacho for a three count...but then it turns out you need to put your opponent through two boards to win. These aren't tables, they're not even plywood, they're just sheets of cardboard. Amazing. Twisto hits a lowblow because fucking deathmatch bruh. Then he hits some ULTRAVIOLET STOMPS. Gavacho fights back with some forearms and hits a snap suplex out of the corner. He hits a tope atomico and then goes for a powerbomb that is somehow reversed into an irish whip. Dropkick sends Twisto into one of the sheets of cardboard and now the next one through a board loses. Gavacho hits Twisto with a light tube that breaks and hits a fan who marks out. The owner starts a we want blood chant and it absolutely does not catch on.

They walk on the side of the ring with no cameraman, and the owner starts a holy shit chant that again 100% does not work. Gavacho wants a countout, but he says you're a fucking twat and this is a deathmatch. The only thing dying here is the crowd that was already dead. Gavacho drapes the cardboard over Twisto and goes up top only to botch it tremendously and crotch himself. Twisto hits a Michinoku Driver that was right next to the board that would've given him the win, but he's dumb as fuck. Twisto brings a new board into the ring for some reason but gets repeatedly hit in the dick because man's biggest weakness are his testicles. Gavacho sets up a few tubes on the bottom rope and tries to suplex Twisto into them, but they fuck everything up and the light tubes break...on the floor when they knocked them off with their botched spot. 

Twisto hits a brainbuster and my fucking mind is blown. He drapes a cardboard or two over Gavacho and goes up top for a frogg splash, but Gavacho moves and thus, wins. 

Winner: Super Gavacho @ 8:09

This was somehow worse than the opener, that's two negatives in two matches.
-*1/2

Ultraviolent Cup Round One

Homerun Derby Match

Oso Loco vs V-Pacalypse

Oso Loco comes out to the old "Burn it to the Ground" Raw theme song. Oh, and he's called "The Animal Technician" what the fuck kind of a name is that?

Oso is mouthing off the crowd and has the highest pitched voice of any heel in history. We start with the two circling the ring before sword fighting with thumbtack bats and going into a brawl. Actually a decent start to a match finally as we get an okay clothesline. Then they slow it down because both men are fat and blown the fuck up by now. Loco kicks V in the back and then clubs away and we are back to the shit levels we were at before. Powerhouse Loco hits a suplex for some reason and now we get strikes but where the fuck are the bats in this deathmatch? V hits a belly to belly that Loco 100% cannot flip bump on, but is impressive from V regardless. The crowd wants to see Loco topless, and V hits a northern lights that actually has a decent bridge to it. FINALLY HE GETS THE GOT DAMN BAT. I have no idea what he has taped to it. I can only assume it's duct tape with duct tape wrapped around it. 

He grabs Loco's bat which has, I think, either Thumbtacks or that button candy you couldn't eat without eating the paper as a kid. Probably the latter. Loco rolls outside looking for a cannoli but V-Pacalypse just ate and grabs a chain to double axe handle with. Loco whips V into a wall and BREAKS THE FUCKING WALL. The owner laughs and says that his deposit is gone and that they're not getting paid now. Legit. Loco hits a belly to back suplex and goes up to the 2nd rope for what was supposed to be a moonsault, but gravity said fuck that. 

V hits a German suplex and then a wiffle ball bat to the head ends it. 

Winner: V-Pacalypse

MOTN so far, but only because they broke a wall and V-Pacalypse, in comparison to everyone else so far, wasn't all that bad, but as such, it's still shit. DUD

Ultraviolent Cup Semi Finals

Barbed Wire Bat Match

Chuey Martinez vs Super Gavacho

Who the fuck is Chuey Martinez, and why was his qualifying match not on this show? You know what, I don't even care anymore. Gavacho comes out to Kid Rock's Bawitdaba because nothing on this fucking show makes sense. 

There is one barbed wire bat. Just one. This is gonna be fun. We are a full minute in and not one thing has happened. Not one. They lock up at the 1 minute and 15 second mark, and it ends almost immediately and then back to fucking nothing. Really awful chain wrestling happens and ends with a backdrop to the luchador superhero, and he somehow needs a rope

break to kick out. Chuey grabs a bat and Gavacho leaves the ring. Three minutes in now and the only thing to happen is a backdrop.

They both have bats and Gavacho tries to attack the knee but fails because he's a shitty superhero. Bootscrape is botched, and then Gavacho gets his arm caught on the barbed wire bat before taking a weak fucking shot to the chest with it. Then to the face. This barbed wire, despite being scraped across his arms, face and chest, have caused no blood, nor have gotten caught on any clothes. Shitty springboard double axe handle followed by a shitter leg drop get a two count. Shitty crossbody gets a two count for Gavacho. Ultraviolent Sleeper by Gavacho as he uses absolutely no weapons to make it even deadlier. Chuey motherfucking Martinez escapes and they do a really bad bump and feed. Body slam onto the barbed wire bat, but somehow Gavacho misses all of it. Fortunately, that gets the three.

Winner: Chuey Martinez @ 7:32

I really don't know how this show is getting worse. I just...I don't understand. -**

Ultraviolent Cup Semi Finals

Barefoot Thumbtack Match

Mr California vs V-Pacalypse

Mr. California is the booker, because of course he is. V is refusing to take off his shoes, and Cali is okay with that. So we have a barefoot deathmatch where only one of them are barefoot. Nice. Cali dedicates the match to JC Bailey who is probably insulted by it. 

There are thumbtacks in the middle of the

ring, that's it. We start with a lock up because deathmatch rules dictate it. V is horribly overselling a wrist lock and Cali stomps the tacks for the first actually violent spot of the night. Whip into the corner and a bulldog onto the tacks for our second actually violent spot of the night in our third deathmatch. Cali goes to do a hilariously awful double stomp and lands right on the tacks in a spot that is so hilariously terrible. They trade forearms 2 minutes in and then Cali suplexes V onto the tacks for a holy shit chant, but I am noticing that none of the tacks are actually going into either guy.

CALI PULLS OUT THE LEGOS, YOU CAN'T FAKE LEGO BUMPS. THIS IS WORSE THAN TACKS. V goes for a German onto the lego tacks, but he's far too close to do it. They botched a spinebuster in hilarious fashion and this

is at least entertaining kind of. Northern lights by V onto the lego tacks with a nice bridge, and I'm thoroughly impressed with V's bridging ability for a big fella. Worst Irish whip-lariat spot ever onto some legos. Mr California looks like a knockoff Eddie Kingston, and that says a lot. Cali starts sawing into V's arm and finally draws blood. Not a lot, but like a paper cut. Kryptonite Krunch to V onto the legos gets the win.

Winner: Mr. California @ 5:40

This was easily the best thing so far, and it got the least amount of time. I don't get it. DUD

Ultraviolent Cup 2016 Finals

Barbed Wire Ropes Match

Chuey Martinez vs Mr. California

Cagematch.net tells me there was another match before this, but apparently it didn't make the cut. Thank fucking god. Here is our main event, and there is no barbed wire on the ropes. They start with light tubes and Chuey strikes first and then stabs Cali with the shards. We may FINALLY get some blood! Then he grabs two, breaks em, and commences stabbing again before he takes a tube to his own back and face. Cali just keeps breaking Chuey with tubes and then stabbing him again. This is New Jack vs New Jack if New Jack were less New Jack and more Mary Poppins. 

Chuey grabs a barbed wire bat and stabs Cali with it, but it's the same fake barbed wire as before. And despite being stabbed in the face multiple times, neither man is bleeding. How is that possible? Because this is XWW and they promised us ULTRA FUCKING VIOLET. There's also very obvious stunt glass in the corner, which I'm surprised he can afford. They keep trading shots with random shit until Cali is whipped into the corner through some tubes, then Chuey faces the same fate. Chuey is busted open as we finally get some blood shed, but it looks more like the blood from a picked scab, so who fucking cares at this point. Senseless light tube trading continues and Chuey asks for a guy to check on his forehead, are you kidding me? Chuey waits way too long to goat Cali into it and now they're on the side of the ring with no camera, so I don't know what the fuck is happening, but light tubes are breaking. 

Back in the ring now and we get more tube shots and a death valley driver through the fake pane of glass for a near fall. Fucking Christ, this won't end. Skewers to the head to take a page from MASADA's playbook, but done much much worse. I'm also fairly certain Chuey Martinez is not of Mexican descent. Chuey pulls out a syringe and stabs Cali in the mouth. I told you it was New Jack. Then he grabs another and another and another and stabs him now in the throat. At least now there's actual blood. There's another pane of glass and this time Cali takes the death valley driver through it for the three count.

Winner: Chuey Martinez @ 8:52

Somehow, this was the worst match of the night. Despite having the actual deathmatch elements to it, it was just senseless violence. This is everything deathmatch fans hate about deathmatches. Nothing made sense, the doctor stoppage three minutes in was god awful and it wasn't even the advertised stipulation. Just garbage. -***

Overall: -2/10: Worst of the Worst. That's right, this show as a whole gets negative stars. I had heard this was the worst wrestling show ever, and I can't disagree. Even Heroes of Wrestling in 1999 had Fantastico vs Scorpio that was at least watchable. Nothing on this show is worth watching, and in fact, I would avoid this show at all costs. It's only an hour long, but my God is it the longest hour of wrestling you'll ever watch. I've seen Backyard shows that are better than this.

WWE Hell in a Cell 2014 Review

Whoa, it's been a while. Well over a year since my last post, so let's jump right into it, shall we? I don't remember this show at all outside of the main event, so it seems like we'll be looking at it with fresh eyes.

WWE Hell in a Cell 2014

October 26th, 2014

American Airlines Arena

Dallas, Texas

WWE Intercontinental Championship 

2/3 Falls Match

Cesaro vs Dolph Ziggler(c)

This match sounds really good on paper. Cesaro and Ziggler at this time were two of the best in the company. They start off with some standard mat grappling, which Ziggler controlling it with his NCAA background. Ref breaks it up and a staredown before Cesaro tries a fireman's carry and back into the mat grappling we go! Cesaro locks on a grounded headlock and Ziggler's face is getting red, but of course, nobody taps out to a rest hold. Shoulder block and a cover by Cesaro gets a one count, I personally thought it was over, but color me shocked. They exchange pinfall attempts and nobody can get a three count, but the ref is certainly working a blister soon. Big Swing by Cesaro is turned into a small package for a two count, then a stun gun and now Cesaro hits the swing! The crowd counts 1 more after every 1/4 of a rotation. Cesaro goes for a pin, but Ziggler reverses into a small package to win the first fall! Dolph Ziggler is up 1-0. 

Cesaro attacks, but there's a rest period because Ziggler is barely alive. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut in the corner and goes for a pin, but that sonuvabitch Ziggler is very persistent that he will not die. A scoop slam brings down Ziggler and my god what a scoop slam it was! Cesaro goes for an elbow off the second rope, but the bald bastard can't connect. Some strong mounted punches from Cesaro and I'm surprised Ziggler even has a face left. Modified strangle hold that should certainly be illegal by Cesaro until Ziggler fights out and and hits a huge jumping armbreaker that may have legitimately broken his arm clear off the shoulder! Somehow, the Swiss Superman does his best John Cena impression and gives no fucks before a double stomp. Ricola Bomb by Cesaro gets him fuck all as Ziggler kicks out again. Ziggler seems dead, but is still moving, the zombie apocalypse is alive and well in the WWE. Cesaro tries that apron superplex into the ring before Ziggler guillotines that arm again. Ziggler locks in a shitty modified cobra clutch and screams bloody murder, but Cesaro says fuck that and goes for a cradle suplex. Ziggler falls back down into a guillotine choke, but Cesaro just won't quit. He climbs to the second rope with Ziggler still on him and says "Look Ma, I'm a fucking ox" before suplexing him to the canvas below. Cesaro with a near fall, as Broken Dolph Ziggler has learned well from his mentor, Vanguard 1. Cesaro hits the ring post and Ziggler hits a fame-asser, the finishing move of his legendary father, Billy Gunn. Huge uppercut that decapitated Ziggler, who quickly reattaches his head just in time to kick out at two! If only Marie Antoinette could do that. GIGANTIC Backbreaker out of a zig zag attempt for another two count. Cesaro tries for a Neutralizer, but eats a superkick and a Zig Zag for his troubles. Ziggler covers and has become the new Swiss Superman as a result.

Winner and still WWE Intercontinental Champion: Dolph Ziggler @ 12:18

Much better than I remember it being. I disagree with a sweep for Dolph, but it was a great match regardless. The story and psychology were spot on. ***3/4

We get a recap of Raw where we see Ambrose and Cena beat the ever living shit out of the Authority before Orton kills Ambrose and then Rollins FUCKING CURB STOMPS HIS FACE STRAIGHT INTO HELL! I miss that move.

Kane is backstage with the Authority, hey, Orton's there too. He's pissed and wants to kill Rollins. How he's even walking around is beyond me. He's facing Cena tonight, none of us will survive this show. 

Loser Becomes the Winners Assistant

Nikki Bella vs Brie Bella

Well this should be fucking fun, eh? Nikki wishes Brie died in the womb while the rest of us wish they were never in there to begin with. Michael Cole calls this the "match that just had to happen." If we were in the 1700's, he'd have been burned at the stake for such a ridiculous statement. 

The bell rings and the fans are fucking excited! They're so focused on the match you can hear a god damn pin drop in the arena. That's how you know a match is good. They pull each other's hair until Nikki smashes Brie's head against the turnbuckle, and Brie says fuck that and goes for a series of roll ups that fail every time because fuck you, that's why. They exchange vicious strikes before Nikki hits an Electric Chair Drop that surely electrified the hair on my arms. A grounded neck submission I can't call is ineffective before a facebuster to the knee of Nikki Bella that may require Brie to look like Michael Jackson for the coming weeks. Nikki pulls the hair into a modified Gory Special that makes Marv Albert cringe. Brie with an X-Factor and it's no good because who the fuck is X-Pac anyway? Brie hits a ridiculous knee that she should probably attempt a pin after, but she's a egotistical fuck who needed to hit another. Unfortunately, Nikki rolls out of the ring and the match continues. 

Brie tries a suicide dive, but fucks it up. A dropkick from the top gets a near fall and the fans are just getting more and more focused at the match goes on. Rack Attack from Nikki Bella almost ends the match, and the fans are just fucking fascinated by the incredible work of these two women. Brie tries to lock on the Yes Lock! Made famous by her husband, George LaBella. Nikki gets the ropes and hits a forearm that makes Mitsuharu Misawa roll in his grave out of pure fear. Another Rack Attack ends this match, and we are all truly blessed to see this instant classic.

Winner: Nikki Bella @ 6:22

This is by far the greatest match in the history of our sport.Fuck Flair and Steamboat, THIS is wrestling.  **3/4

We get the WWE PPV Panel, and Renee Young looking fantastic as always, but not nearly as pretty as "I don't give a fuck" Paul Heyman. He is the dream.

WWE Tag Team Championship
Goldust and Stardust(c) vs The Usos

Here's a fun question: Who the fuck even remembers Gold and Stardust as champions?! I sure as hell don't, and judging by the fans, they don't even know it! 

As we all know, Stardust was created by the Gods using the remnants of charisma left in the late Cody Rhode's face mask. If only they could have created a fucking beast instead of an alien, Cody might still be alive today. RIP. 

Stardust and Jimmy Uso start the match and start slapping each other like two women who wore the same costume to a Halloween Havoc party in 1998. Jey tags in and I assume I'm wrong about who is in the ring. Hip toss gets a near fall because hips are irrelevant in the cosmic. Goldust is in the ring now and he gets punched in the jaw repeatedly for his efforts. Usos double team and take control before Goldust says I can slap too, but is soon proven wrong as Jimmy slaps him harder. Jimmy tries to slide to avoid being whipped into the corner, but Stardust just pulls his legs into the ring post, essentially neutering poor Jimmy Nokids. Fortunately, Doctors Gallows and Anderson are not around. 

Goldust pounds on the back of Jimmy Uso before looking in the devastating chinlock of death. Uso hits the jawbreaker but eats a powerslam I can only assume is solar powered. Stardust tags in and drives his cosmic knee into the throat of Jimmy Uso and then follows with YET ANOTHER CHINLOCK OF DEATH. HOLY SHIT! By some fucking miracle from the Samoan Gods, Jimmy escapes. Jimmy reverses a bulldog by throwing Stardust straight into the milky way before he tags out to Goldust. Uppercut and a toss out of the ring by Jimmy and a hot tag to Jey. Jey flies over the top, completely misses Goldust, but he sells it anyway because he's a good sport. He does the same to Stardust, but he actually connects this time! He rolls in Goldust and hits a big crossbody for a two count! Samoan Drop to Goldust gets another near fall because the planets have aligned and formed SuperDust. Jey goes for the running butt bump in the corner and hits it, but still no use as Goldust kicks out again. Jey goes for a superkick, but fucks it up and gets distracted by Stardust and then eats a spinebuster by Goldust. 

Goldust goes for a back elbow and misses, unfortunately for him, Jey's kick to the fucking face does not. Still though, Goldust kicks out. Jey is lifting Goldust up top, which is a bad idea. Until fucking Jimmy comes in and knocks Stardust on the other top rope! Stereo superplexes straight out of the god damn Milky Way and EVERYONE is down! Jey hits a splash and gets a two count. Everybody is in the ring and Goldust hits a suplex/neckbreaker I am now calling the SuperDust Buster for the victory!

Winners and still WWE Tag Team Champions: Goldust and Stardust @ 10:21

A match that was out of this world could only get a rating that deserves such. **3/4 


#1 Contender's Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Hell in a Cell Match
John Cena vs Randy Orton

These fucking guys have no chemistry and this is sure to prove that the WWE was not blinded by science. The winner gets to face Brock Lesnar, so who the fuck really wants to win this? Cena just got destroyed by him and Orton, two years later, was beaten so bad he got concussed in a pool of his own blood, kinda like I felt concussed after reviewing their 60 minute ironman match. 

These guys have a bloodlust feud against one another, which can only mean one thing: we start with weak strikes and god awful camera work. I would like to think these cameramen have been to film school, but unfortunately, the producer knows fuck all about producing. They go outside real quick and continue with the MMA-Level of striking. Cena tries to run away but Orton laughs and shoves him face first into the cell wall. Any normal human being would be done after that, but John Cena is Superman, and Clark Kent is no bitch. 

Orton looks for a weapon, but has to slither around to find a chair. He can't use it, as Superman used his Spidey senses to combat the chair and hit a suplex. John Cena is both Marvel and DC. Orton grabs the chairs made of kryptonite and goes to town on John Cena before wedging it in between the top and middle ropes in the corner. This can only end well. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton is having none of that and DDTs Cena straight into the canvas, likely breaking his neck, before Cena rolls to the outside. Orton decides it's time to play some basketball and bounces Cena's head off the steal chair before grating it against the cage. He goes for a pin, but Clark Kent is no bitch, so it's only a two count. Orton hits a clothesline and goes for another near fall but is still a dumbass thinking it would work. He whips Cena into the corner so hard that Cena has no choice but to face plant for yet another near fall. 

The crowd is eating this up, chanting and cheering for neither man, as both are so over with all of the mutes in attendance. Cena apparently drank his special Michael Jordan juice as he hits a spear for a two count. Orton takes control again, and whips Cena around like a big dog's chew toy. THE CHINLOCK OF DOOM HAS RETURNED AND THIS HAS TO BE IT! Shockingly, Cena escapes and hits shoulder blocks, the backdrop, but his attempt at a masturbation reference is thankfully thwarted with a powerslam. Hangman's DDT is reversed as Cena uses his super strength to throw Orton over the top rope. Now it's Cena's turn to toss Orton around like a salad in a cell block. Unfortunately for our heroic salad tosser, he's thrown nuts first into the ring post. Orton rolls him in and takes way too fucking long to cover for a near fall.

Orton knocks Cena off the apron and face first into the cell he goes. That cell is taking more abuse than either of these men, but not as much as the fans in attendance. Cena is throwing Orton around again and it's getting hard to watch, folks! Cena is looking for weapons, but the WWE apparently forgot to go to Home Depot before the show. He does, eventually, find a table, and I can only assume a tea party is in order with John Cena and his imaginary friends. Orton, being a piece of shit, crashes the tea party and hits a dropkick on Cena for two. 

Cena gets whipped into the wedged chair from earlier, and should be fucking dead, but he's as pissed as the British after the Colonies dumped their tea into the harbor. Rightfully so, John, rightfully fucking so. Orton sets up the table in the corner and beats up on Cena with the chair a bit more. He tries to put Cena through the table, but Cena goes for the five moves of doom before ORTON HITS THE GOD DAMN RKO OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE. I never see those coming, especially on a man we can't even see. Randy Orton is fucking magical.

Orton throws Cena through the corner table, officially cancelling John's tea party, but John kicks out because somebody has to fight for the Colonies. Orton decides to bring some steel into this, unfortunately the steps and not the superhero movie with Shaq. Cena is basically dead by this point, as he isn't moving, but HOLY MOTHER OF ROOSTER SHIT CENA'S ALIVE! RKO from Orton has Cena saying "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM" before hitting the five knuckle shuffle! Attitude Adjustment from Cena is reversed into a low blow by Orton, because Cena no longer has balls. Orton goes for a punt, but gets Charlie Brown'd into a LEG LOCK WITH A FACE HUG! IT'S THE MOST DEVASTATINGLY COMFORTABLE MOVE IN HISTORY, MAGGLE, WILL HE FALL ASLEEP?! 

Nope, Orton got the ropes, but there's no fucking disqualification in this match so he goes outside the ring. Cena grabs the steps and FUCKING CHUCKS THEM AT RANDY ORTON! Orton is only alive because has the god damn reflexes of a viper! Orton takes control, but Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere! CAN THIS BE IT?! NO, BLOODY HELL, WE GOT MORE MATCH TO DO! Cena goes for a second one, but Orton reverses into an RKO! AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WE CONTINUE AS CENA KICKS THE FUCK OUT! 

Cena hits one more Attitude Adjustment and surely this must be- OH FUCK OFF! Orton kicks out because he's better than Christopher Reeves as Cena gets another table to hopefully have a successful tea party this time. He puts Orton on the table and goes for a leg drop, but Orton stops him on the top rope and joins him for some crumpets. He goes for an RKO through the table from the ropes, but Cena says fuck that and hits an AA off the ropes through the table! THIS IS IT! AND THE UNITED STATES OF JOHN CENA ARE BORN!
Winner: John Cena @ 25:52

By far the greatest war our country has ever seen. I pledge allegiance, to the Cena. **1/2

We get a Takis commercial with some metal music and two guys screaming in a car drinking washer fluid. WWE is describing their audience perfectly.

Big Show is apparently knocking out Rusev, who he calls a bastard. Big Show is already winded, and this promo isn't even over yet.

WWE United States Championship
Sheamus(c) vs The Miz(w/ Damien Mizdow)

Here we have a lobster achieving his hopes and dreams of being a land-dweller, defending the United States of Cena Championship, who cut a promo before the match and then hit a Brogue Kick on the camera. What a dick, that thing probably cost em $25,000.

We start with strikes and a hip toss, before Sheamus uses those giant lobster claws to hit a tilt a whirl backbreaker. By some sorcery, Mizdow is receiving the pain that Miz is receiving in the ring. Apparently The Miz is into voodoo. Sheamus hits ten forearms to the chest before knocking Miz to ringside. Miz knocks down his own stunt double in an act of treacherous betrayal. Miz takes control with knees in the corner and locks on the fucking CHINLOCK. OF. DEATH. How do people keep escaping from that?!

Sheamus hits some clotheslines and a shoulder block in the corner and a knee to the face, all to be sent back into the ocean outside the ring. Sheamus catches a Miz dive attempt before hitting a steamroller on the outside of the ring. Sheamus up top hits a flying shoulder block for another near fall. The Irish Curse backbreaker has hexed Miz for two more years of mediocrity. Miz says "fuck your curse" and hits a neckbreaker for two. Miz slaps Sheamus, obviously still mad about the hexing, before hitting a DDT for two more. Miz tries to make some lobster with the Skull Crushing Finale, but he fucks up and Sheamus hits a powerslam to absolutely zero crowd reaction. He points to the fans, but they don't give a fuck. Miz hits a Skull Crushing Finale, but Lobsters have thick shells, allowing Sheamus to kick out at two. Miz goes up to the top rope, but eats a Brogue Kick for his troubles and loses because he's a loser.

Winner and still WWE United States Champion: Sheamus @ 8:20

Lobsters are certainly better when on a plate, not when they're wrestling. *1/2


Singles Match
Big Show vs Rusev

Here we have the cold war reignited, the greatest man in US History, The Big Show versus the Russian Bulgarian Brute from Plovdiv, Bulgaria in Moscow. Vladimir Putin's favorite wrestler he's never heard of. This is how the Cold War will finally be settled. Volkoff? Kozlov? Irrelevant. Rusev is the Russian Bulgarian Fishmaster and he's looking to filet the Big Show.  Lana is here while she waits for Pitch Perfect 2 to start shooting, she knows she can't miss the riff-off.

She asks the fans to rise for the Russian National Anthem, and Big Show is showing he's a Big Dick by interrupting it, effectively doing all the things he hates Rusev for doing. IT'S HYPOCRITICAL, MAGGLE.

We start the way the others have, by America whooping Russia's ass with chops and headbutts. This is a war, people. You don't need guns and grenades, just two large men in spandex rubbing up on each other. Rusev fucks with his knee and hits a chop block that floors the great white Show. Rusev is focusing on the hurt leg as if there were a bottle of vodka in it for him. Putin is smiling from his throne as Big Show's face is getting redder than Russia's communist state. Show uses his giant redwood sized legs to fight out and somehow stand up. Rusev shows how much has learned from the Bears of Russia with a suplex on a fucking giant. David didn't need a rock, he just needed a fucking suplex in his arsenal to take down Goliath. I take that back as Show throws Rusev away with a huge kick, but Putin's favorite Bulgarian hits a dropkick and goes for The Accolade. He 100% fails before Big Show locks in the Haas of Pain! Rusev is being twisted like a poorly designed pretzel, but he reaches for the ropes anyway.

Show goes for a knock out punch, but Rusev has learned from the master of Russia, Fedor Emelianenko, who once knocked out Hong Man Choi, the same fighter who conquered MMA Legends such as Jose Canseco. Unfortunately, he did not learn that much, as Show hits a big shoulder block anyway. Out comes Mark Henry because America needs an alliance. That alliance sure as fuck backfires, as Rusev kicks out of a chokeslam before Big Show tells Mark Henry to fuck off. Thanks to that, Show and Henry both get their faces kicked into their skull before Rusev definitively ends the cold war with The Accolade. Россия Царствует! 

Winner: Rusev @ 7:55
Rusev бог. **

WWE Divas Championship:
AJ Lee(c) vs Paige (w/Alicia Fox)

Today we have two of the more underwhelming Female WWE Wrestlers of all time. Neither girl has had a truly great match on the main roster, but everyone loves them anyway! 

We start with a lock up, because this feud is truly heated. A shoulder block makes Paige look like she's stronger than an ox, or a polar bear based on the similar complexion. AJ tries various pinfalls, but Paige can't be bothered to stay down for three. AJ channels her great grandfather, Bruce, and hits a spinning back kick before Paige rolls to the floor. Paige rolls in, AJ follows, and Paige rolls back out and AJ Follows. Exciting action here, folks! Paige swing swing swings AJ into the barricade more than an All American Rejects song that nobody cared about ten years ago. The crowd, just as with the previous Divas match, is fucking focused with no one making a sound, completely enthralled as Paige his some elbows and stomps in the corner. Paige follows with knees and a surfboard stretch that would make Randy Orton complain about too many rest holds. Into the corner they go with more back elbows by Paige. Some knees from AJ and she fights back with a Lou Thesz Press, because Paige can't catch 50 pounds. A kick from Paige and unfortunately, the match continues. She goes for the RamPaige, but AJ Lee is afraid Quinton Jackson and reverses it. Tornado DDT gets AJ a two count. Guillotine by AJ and I feel the effect more than Paige, as I'd like to be choked unconscious for this match. 

Back outside the ring, Paige is on the barricade going for some kind of suplex, which she absolutely does not fucking do. AJ Sweeps out her legs and Paige misses the barricade. Alicia Fox rolls Paige into the ring, and right into the Black Widow by AJ, and mercifully, this match is over.

Winner and still WWE Divas Champion: AJ Lee @ 6:50

I don't have jokes for this one, this was horrible. 1/2*

Hell in a Cell Match
Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security) vs Dean Ambrose

Two former Shield members going one on one to decide which one of them is the red-headed step child of the Shield, and which is going to job to Roman Reigns for the next year and a half. 

Ambrose comes out like a fucking lunatic, because that's what they told me. He has a kendo stick in a carrying case and immediately begins to throw a shit ton of chairs in the ring, far more than are necessary if he wants to have a two person meeting. He also pulls out a table, I can only assume a contract signing is taking place, or he was jealous of Cena's tea party from earlier. He then decides to climb the damn cell instead of starting inside because LOL HE'S FUCKING CRAZY.

When you're in a blood feud, you start at the fucking top so you can murder your opponent by throwing them off. Ambrose has the right idea, and a felony on his record to come. Rollins doesn't want to go to the top because he never got his flying lessons. He sends up Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury instead, the real challengers in this match, and the rightful heirs to the Money in the Bank briefcase. 

Ambrose has a kendo stick and denies the vanilla midgets of the chance to pull him off the cell. Dean Ambrose has just decimated former Ring of Honor Champion Jamie Noble as Nidia looks on with fear from a West Virginia trailer park. Rollins ambushes Ambrose and we are underway! 

They trade blows and we have a three on one assault, with Rollins wielding a Kendo Stick. Zordon would be proud of his young Black Ranger. Rollins instructs J&J to throw Ambrose off, but he says fuck that and suplexes Noble on top of the cell. Were Noble the size of a normal man, that cell might have collapsed. Ambrose and Rollins are fighting on the side of the cell, looking like Jack and Rose from Titanic, but HOLY DICK SHIT THEY'RE BOTH DEAD AFTER FALLING OFF THE SIDE OF THE CELL THROUGH THE ANNOUNCERS TABLES! IT'S LIKE JACK AND ROSE ALL OVER AGAIN!

Stretchers come out because both men are fucking dead. They're being stretchered out, because there's no way this match continues. The bravery of these two men will never be forgotten, as our fallen heroes will forever be etched into history as the true champions of WWE. I would like to express my condolences to the family and friends of both Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. If you'd like to express yours as well, the services will be held at- HOLY JUPITER SHIT THEY'RE FUCKING ALIVE! 

Ambrose is off the stretcher first attacks Rollins who is still strapped into his. He throws him into the cell and into the ring and this match has finally started. Ambrose reaches into his bag of shit and pulls out some duct tape and a tire iron, I now fear for the safety of Renee Young. Ambrose sits on a chair and waits for Rollins to stand up, taunting him the entire time like a neckbeard will after that falling spot. Ambrose steals an idea from Steve Austin and wails on Rollins with a chair repeatedly, but Rollins is not impressed as he rolls out of the ring like a fuckboy. 

Ambrose tries to channel his inner New Jack by jabbing a screwdriver into Rollins, but fails to do so, proving again you don't fuck with New Jack. He does, however, dropkick Rollins off the apron into the cell for a brutal spot of brutality. The table is finally coming into play, leaned up against the cell wall. Rollins reverses a lawn dart and heads straight into the ring before Ambrose tosses him the fuck out and hits a suicide dive into the cage wall. Back in the ring and Ambrose is stacking chairs like he's building a JENGA tower. Suplex onto the chairs is reversed into a back drop onto the stack of chairs, a spot completely no-sold by Michael Cole, so it could not be that special. 

Rollins gets his own table now because Fuck Ambrose's shitty table, this one is fancier. He sets it up between the apron and the cell in a what looks like should not be physically possible. He goes for a suplex off the apron through it, but Ambrose says not today, and elbow drops Rollins through it because HE'S A LUNATIC, MAGGLE!  Ambrose is raking Rollins against the cage before CORPORATE KANE sprays him with a fire extinguisher.

ROLLINS WITH A BUCKLE BOMB ON THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE TABLE! AMBROSE'S CAREER IS GUARANTEED TO BE OVER! Back in the ring, Rollins hits the curb stomp! A move so dangerous it's ended the careers of zero people! Ambrose kicks out because he's doing this for the inmates of the Asylum, which I believe consist of only Ambrose, and a milkman he randomly kidnapped in 1992. Rollins going to town on Ambrose with a chair now, screaming each time, because he's angry.

Now Rollins is doing the Wrestlemania X-7 spot, before going for another Curb Stomp, this time onto the Money in the Bank Briefcase, but Rollins goes bankrupt as Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline! He hits Rollins with the briefcase and covers for a very close near fall! Seth Rollins' stock market shall stay up for at least one more night. Ambrose goes under the ring for a couple of cinderblocks and attempts to Curb Stomp Rollins onto them, but THE LIGHTS GO OUT, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

IT'S A HOLOGRAM! WHO IS THAT?! TUPAC IS ALIVE AND HE IS HERE AT HELL IN A CELL! OH SHIT, HE'S GOT BRAY WYATT WITH HIM! URANAGE! ROLLINS COVERS AND TUPAC HAS SCREWED AMBROSE! 

Winner via holographic Tupac: Seth Rollins @ 14:03

Fantastic storytelling, psychology and overall match with an awkward finish. ****


Overall: 6.5/10: By no means was this a bad show, while I would skip the Divas title match, and the Cena/Orton match, everything else on the card was solid with a great opener and great main event. Definitely worth the watch.